1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
And here's a little bit of reality from my friend Rosemary. I stayed with Rosemary and her husband Jefferson in Tallahassee, Florida last year, and since then they have moved to England. Jefferson has been kind enough to make, and host, a few 'movies' from my travels. Have a look at spacedog.net but for now, these are the ANNUAL IDIOT AWARDS.
Number One Idiot of 2004
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this
woman called in
very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful
and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down and
at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her
daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the
ants. I told her
that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2004
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the
airfield
decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were
successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they
took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast
Guard
helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the
chopper was
homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft
was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet;
the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2004
A true story out of San Francisco: A man,
wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and
wrote "this iz a
stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone
had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he
reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a
few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light
in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit
slip or go back to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man
said, "OK" and
left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line
back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably
couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2004
A guy walked into a little corner store with
a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After
the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch
that he wanted
behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier
to put it in the
bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because
I don't believe
you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused
to give it to him because he didn't believe him At
that point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the
man was in fact
over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called
the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got
off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2004
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record
shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody
move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn't
need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2004
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor
store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder
block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back and hit the
would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
It seems the
liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole
event was caught
on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2004
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column
reported that a
man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan
at 12:50 A. M.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him
down because he
said he couldn't open the cash register without a food
order. When the
man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.